Chasing Cars
by CSI3Lyra
Summary: Songfic. McDreamy thinks about his relationship with Meredith and how it went wrong. Spoilers up until Bring The Pain. Potentially MerDer. Depends how you think.


**Disclaimer:** Don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, I'd be busy yelling at the camera crew, not writing a fanfic. And I don't own Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol either. It's a very nice song. You should listen to it.

**Spoilers:** Ummm, most of the MerDer moments up until Bring the Pain.

**A/N: **My first Grey's Anatomy fic. I finally got round to doing it. I'm very proud of myself. Anyway. I'd appreciate reviews. They make me very happy. I don't mind flames, but constructive criticism is way better. Sorry about mistakes too, it's un-beta'd.

Chasing Cars

_We'll do it all _

_Everything _

_On our own _

He'd thought they could pull it off. He thought they could hide their relationship from everyone. He thought they could do it all. He thought he could hide Addison from her. He could have. But, she came to work at Seattle Grace. And ruined everything. She always did. She ruined hydrocephalus surgery for him. They met when she helped him insert a shunt into the brain of a newborn boy. Now, hydrocephaly patients just depressed him. She ruined his marriage. She ruined his friendship with Mark. Mark was a great guy, but Derek just couldn't look at him after that day. She ruined his relationship with Meredith. Definitely ruined that.

_We don't need _

_Anything _

_Or anyone _

Meredith was amazing. She was just so, well, Meredith. He didn't need anything or anyone when he was with her. She was beautiful, headstrong, clever. It sounded so cheesy, so already-said-a-thousand-times. He knew, but, that's what was so great about her. However typical she sounded, she was completely new.

_If I lay here _

_If I just lay here _

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world? _

She made him feel, complete. It was great. Their relationship was like nothing he ever had. They could stare at each other over bowls of healthy-option-whole-grain cereal, or watch ferryboats, or just have sex. And they used to just lie there. He loved it. Just lying there, half conscious, only them.

_I don't quite know _

_How to say _

_How I feel _

But when she demanded to know what she meant to him, he couldn't say. She stood there, in the rain. She always stood in the rain. He thought she looked even more like an elfin princess in the rain. She seemed happier in the rain. And he told her. And he tried. But he didn't know how to say it. It was impossible. She was so much, yet so little to him. What she was, what **they** were, was so self-contradictory, it was nonsense when he put it into words.

_Those three words _

_Are said too much _

_They're not enough _

And, it wasn't enough. She left him. She wouldn't talk to him outside of the job. He'd lost her. Because she didn't think his stupid words were enough. But she was everything. Nearly.

_If I lay here _

_If I just lay here _

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world? _

And that night, in his cold trailer, he missed her. He couldn't forget life and all it's crap. He needed her, for his own selfish reasons. He thought he was near to loving her. That was enough. But she wasn't there.

_Forget what we're told _

_Before we get too old _

_Show me a garden that's bursting into life _

He'd thrown caution to the winds, that first night in Seattle. He'd slept with a gorgeous, drunk woman. Who ended up being his intern. Stupid. But, as Addison would say, "Very Derek." He'd forgotten his wife, his messed up marriage, and his new job. He'd thrown himself into "the garden of life." That's what his grandmother used to say. She used to tell him to "go outside, and enjoy the garden of life. It's only there. You only have one life, might as well live it." She'd always regretted marrying his grandfather at a young age, and was didn't have much time left after he died to enjoy her life. As a boy, Derek had always promised himself that he would be happy. Yeah, he was **so** happy now.

_Let's waste time _

_Chasing cars _

_Around our heads _

After Meredith left him, he couldn't concentrate so much at work. He caught himself staring at her, wasting time creating scenes in his head, where Addison didn't walk into the lobby at all. The worlds in his head were much nicer, he decided.

_I need your grace _

_To remind me _

_To find my own _

Meredith was so graceful, and kind, and loving. She reminded him to be a better person. She reminded him to find his graces.

_If I lay here _

_If I just lay here _

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world? _

And then the divorce papers came. How could he leave Addison officially? His family. But then there was Meredith, and when they'd lie there. It was so peaceful. So different from the always moving, always arguing, always flaming Addison. Opposites. He loved them both.

_Forget what we're told _

_Before we get too old _

_Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

It was too hard. He couldn't decide. How could he sign the papers? How could he leave Meredith? What could he do? He had no idea.

_All that I am _

_All that I ever was _

_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see _

And Meredith, proud Meredith, had begged him. To pick her, choose her. He was at a loss. And he could see himself in her eyes. He could see himself reflected in her tear-filled eyes. And he saw. Derek Sheppard saw he was just a man, who had "two fine women" waiting for him. He was standing between them. And he couldn't choose.

_I don't know where _

_Confused about how as well _

_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_

He thought things wouldn't change when he saw her for the first time at Joe's. He didn't know what happened, or why, or how even. But he had been so wrong. It changed everything.

Because, Addison was his wife. He'd been betrayed by her, sure, but he'd still loved her enough to marry her. But, blonde, elfin Meredith. He could lie with her and just forget the world.

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world? _


End file.
